Aggressive Communication: Examples and How to Handle It

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At a Glance

Aggressive communication causes problems in relationships because people get hurt and don't get their needs met. There are ways to manage aggressive communicators in your life as well as change your style if you are an aggressive communicator.

Someone who has an aggressive communication style talks with a lot of emotion, not much empathy, and is totally focused on "winning" the argument at any cost. While it’s a style of communication that’s commonly used by narcissists and bullies, any person can be an aggressive communicator. You might hear aggressive communication from parents, friends, co-workers, or romantic partners. You might even have an aggressive communication style yourself.

Let’s talk about who uses this style of communication and look at some examples of aggressive communication in everyday life.

What Kind of Communicator Are You?

Our fast and free communication styles quiz can help give you some insight into how you interact with others and what it could mean for your interpersonal relationships, both at work and at home.

Examples of Aggressive Communication

Aggressiveness is a way of acting and communicating where a person expresses their feelings, needs, and rights without any regard or respect for the needs, rights, and feelings of others.

When a person uses aggressive communication, the other people involved may feel victimized. Relationships are often damaged by these conversations—which is bad for everyone, not just those on the receiving end of aggression.

Examples of an aggressive communication style include saying things like:

• "This is all your fault."
• "It's my way or the highway."
• "Do what I say."
• "I don't care what you have to say."
• "You never do anything right."
• "I don't agree with you so I don't have to listen to your opinion."
• "Everyone has to agree with me."
• "I'm right and you're wrong."
• "You owe me."
• "I'm entitled to this."
• "I'll get my way no matter what."

The overall tone and vibe of aggressive communication are intense and confrontational. A conversation that is dominated by aggression can be exhausting and frightening. It also does not tend to be a productive form of conversation—if everyone’s needs and goals are not discussed, they can’t be met.

A person who is an aggressive communicator will interrupt or “trample” anyone else who is speaking. They’ll be insistent on making their point and making sure that everyone hears it. They may raise their voice or even yell if they feel like they’re not being heard, or that someone’s trying to “take the mic” from them.

By focusing so much on making sure that they’re being listened to, aggressive communicators generally are not listening to what other people are saying.

If aggressive communicators have other traits that affect their relationships, they may use tactics to manipulate the conversation and the people in it. They may say things like, “You make me like this” or “You always overreact.” These comments put the blame for the aggressive communicator’s behavior onto the other person.

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How Aggressive Communication Damages Relationships

Aggression and conflict can hurt our relationships. These stressful conversations can cause problems when we try to communicate with others, including:

• Aggressive responses from others
• Barriers to communication
• Distrust
• Fear of sharing
• Feelings of disrespect
• Greater stress
• Lack of connection
• Increased conflict
• Negative interactions
• Poor goal achievement
• Secrecy

When Should I Use Aggressive Communication?

“There are times when being aggressive is not only good, it is 100% called for. Such times include playing competitive sports, hand-to-hand combat on a battlefield, disarming someone who is trying to harm you (such as a bully), or otherwise participating in an activity where the goal is to WIN,” says coach and career strategist Anne Shoemaker. “However, if the circumstances involve a work relationship, a marriage, a family/home environment, or a team at work, chances are, aggressiveness is not only unwelcome, but also potentially damaging.”

Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication

Sometimes, people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. Asserting yourself in a conversation is actually a powerful tool to use when you’re dealing with an aggressive communicator.

Assertiveness means expressing your own needs and rights while also respecting the needs and rights of others and maintaining everyone’s dignity. Unlike aggression, assertiveness can improve relationships and increase life satisfaction.

Here are a few ways to tell the difference between being assertive and being aggressive when you’re talking with others.

• Tries to dominate others
• Relies on criticism and blame
• Low tolerance for frustration
• Loud, overbearing, demanding
• Frequent interruptions

• Tries to form connection with others
• Relies on respect and clarity
• Good self-control
• Calm, clear, relaxed
• Listens without interruption

Am I an Aggressive Communicator?

You can change how you communicate with others, but first, you need to get a deeper understanding of how you’re currently communicating with them. Here are some questions to ask yourself to figure out what your communication style is:

• Am I upset if others don't agree with me?
• Do I check in with people to see if they're comfortable, or do I force my own agenda?
• Do I know how to disagree without being disagreeable?
• Do I know how to get my needs met without violating the needs of others?
• Do I know how to stand up for myself?
• Do I put people down?
• Do I seek out other people's opinions, or just share my own?
• Do I talk over people or interrupt them frequently?

How to Be More Assertive

Are you comfortable standing up for yourself? A little too comfortable walking all over others? Are you somewhere in the comfortable middle ground? Research suggests that learning about your communication style and finding ways to replace aggressive responses with more assertive ones can help you communicate more effectively.

Here are some ways to be more assertive in your communication style rather than being aggressive or passive:

• Ask for what you need instead of expecting others to guess
• Express your feelings calmly
• Explain your needs and let other people know that you recognize their needs
• Really listen to what other people have to say
• Respect the needs of others
• Look for "win-win" solutions rather than only focusing on what benefits you
  

Assertiveness can feel aggressive if you’re used to a passive style of communication. On the other hand, it can feel too passive if you’re used to an aggressive communication style.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by trying to overhaul how you communicate. For example, maybe respect for others in conversation wasn’t the norm for you growing up, so you’re having a hard time getting the hang of assertive (rather than aggressive) communication as an adult.

You might find that as you’re trying to change, you’re going back and forth between steamrolling over other’s needs and letting them trample yours. That’s part of working through the process. Once you find that balance, it will get easier to be assertive in all of your interactions.

What to Do If You’re an Aggressive Communicator

If you’re reading through the examples of aggressive communication and realize that you are an aggressive communicator, try not to be too hard on yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing and acknowledging that the way you’re communicating may not be best for maintaining the important relationships in your life and could be a significant source of stress.

Aggressive communication can wreak havoc on all areas of your life, including school, family, and work. But you can take steps to reduce aggression and stress and change how you communicate.

You’ll want to think and be honest about how you talk to other people. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do you make common conflict resolution mistakes such as criticizing and shutting others down?
• Do you know about healthy communication techniques like listening carefully and trying to see things from other people's perspectives? Do you use these techniques when you talk to others?
• Are you an all-or-nothing thinker who sees every situation as either “right” or “wrong” with no middle ground?
• In the past, were your needs ignored or not heard, so you felt like you had to be very loud and demand what you wanted in order to get it?
• Do you typically feel like you’re the smartest person in the room and everyone you have to interact with is "not on your level?”
• Do you use anger as a way to cover up your true feelings (like sadness or insecurity) because your emotions embarrass or overwhelm you?
• Do you tend to pick fights with people or escalate even simple conversations by yelling, making threats, or being sarcastic?
  

Once you’ve figured out that you are an aggressive communicator, think about how you can change your tact to become more assertive. This means making a point to listen to others and really hear them—not just pretending to until it’s your turn to speak.

It also means watching yourself for signs that you’re heading toward aggression—are you raising your voice? Do you feel your pulse going up? Do you want to “call out” or “put down” the person you’re talking to?

Catching yourself in these moments will help you learn the warning signs that the conversation is not going in a helpful direction and may even be hurting the other person (and ultimately, you).

When you’re still learning how to correct course, you might need to put up a stop sign in the middle of a conversation so you don’t let it go even deeper into aggressive territory. For example, you might need to say, “I need a minute because I feel myself starting to get upset.”

Taking time to calm yourself down and think about how you want to approach the conversation with assertion and not aggression can help, but only if you do actually continue the conversation.

Don’t use “I need a minute” to duck out on an important talk—and make sure that the other person knows that you aren’t leaving because you felt like you were “losing.” It’s important that they understand that you intend to finish the conversation when you can do so in a way that won’t be hurtful and that, hopefully, will lead to everyone’s needs being heard, respected, and addressed.

Letting go of an aggressive communication style doesn’t mean you’re becoming passive. You’re just replacing unhelpful tendencies with strategies that are more helpful and less stressful.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. Niess J, Diefenbach S. Communication styles of interactive tools for self-improvement. Psych Well-Being. 2016;6:3. doi:10.1186/s13612-016-0040-8
2. Maloney ME, Moore P. From aggressive to assertive. Int J Womens Dermatol. 2019;6(1):46-49. doi:10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD
Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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